One must wonder how this achieved a score of 36 without any reviews and only one member scoring it??

I hope I didn't "rip and shred" too much it's a perfectly sound piece I simply assumed that as you stated you were trying to "work with rhyme" that comments on the rhyme scheme should be the focus.

I wouldn't delete it. Somehow it works and made me laugh. The whole poem is very untraditional and has a spontaneous feel so it could well be the kind of grumpy thought someone would have when they're pissed off with thier relationship. I can also imagine someone writing that on msn or facebook chat or wherever this monologue is set but then thinking better of actually sending it which also fits in with the tone of the poem.

I'm not an expert on Haiku so I won't review, but it certainly had a pang of emotions very familiar to me from my first day at uni. An eloquent thought.

I am entirely willing to except negative critique as it goes towards making me a better writer. However, I don't feel that "I don't understand" counts as critique. Admittedly I am no Byron but that doesn't mean any attempt I make at writing meaningful poetry makes it melodramatic. I am simply asking you to review this with consideration to the genre in which it was written.

This is fairly unclear but this is intended as an atheist or person who has lost thier faith looking in on others motives. The opening lines are not intended to describe the narrators emotions but rather a sense of futility that narrator may see in others.

Lol i got that.

Such a long comment I read the first quater and I'm already laughing out loud at the supreme irony of everything you say. Especially the concept that I give a crap what some internet twat thinks of me as a person. Maybe you would get more out of this site if you used it for what it was intended for which is constructive critisism to help improve the writing of others and yourself. This is a very unique site but it won't stay like that if people like you abuse it. Thats why I'm angry.

I wonder why incremental doesn't know the term undergrad...hmmm.

The tree of nails is the cross. The blooming flower is life's triumph over death. It's all about beauty enduring even in the most tormented and broken things and the strength of life to overcome adversity, exemplified by christ on the cross. However, if you don't see it thats fine it doesn't have to be about christ it can just be about life and beauty if that makes more sense to you, I don't demand you agree with my opinion.

How many girls voted on this...hmmm. Oh well I would buy you a pint if said one paragraph of this in a pub.

ok apologies then. I just thought it was a dig at christians in general, we're not like that!!!

I'm commenting not reviewing because I will review this as a poem later but as a christian I'd just like to point out the utter hilarity of the idiotic irony of this poem. I hope other people on this site are also able to see what I am laughing at and I hope you might be able to as well when you take a second look at what you wrote.

ooo, shot down. yeh this is a set of poems that i wrote during my freshers week so read them as a set and they make more sense.

As has been mentioned there is no punctuation this is a mistake on my part as I used the wrong draft for posting, if only you could edit articles after posting! thanks for pointing it out bunnymaster otherwise i wouldn't have realised :)

Kudos for line 4.

Can I recommend losing the oxymoron "temporary eternity". I'm personally a big fan of oxymorons in poetry but this just seems like it's there for its own sake and it hinders that line.

Just wanted to say that this piece, for me, was made by the fact that you are able to get the reader to understand every sentance as it was intended even though the format allows a great potential for misinterpretation. It gets the reader to the conclusion you intended while allowing us to think we drew that conclusion ourselves. If this is a common feature of your writing style I look forward to reading more.

imdead is right about your word variation but I'd also urge you not to get tied up in your metaphors, they're there to help you express what you're trying to say, not trap you.

Ok just saw your note at the top, apologies.

Most of what I'd say you'll either know already or someone else will point out. Just one thing that bugs me is that if the mistakes are deliberate, to emphasise the subject matter, then they should be more consistent, otherwise it just looks like you can't spell. Try referencing Flowers for Algrenon for how to write deliberate mistakes well. Keyes is very good at it.

I'm afraid I don't like it or dislike it enough to vote but that's an uncertainty not a condemnation. However, my opinion would be that poems with such short sentances are very difficult to construct well and its your diction that will make or break the piece if your set on writing it in this style. Try too keep a handle on how your rhyming structure affects rhythm. If you change the structure midway thats the poetic equivelant of tri... (read more)

I know it's missing the iambic pentameter which means it is not strictly a sonnet, however, in accordance with the recent work of Simon Armitage the sonnet style has been manipulated beyond Shakespearean bounds i.e breaking the iambic pentameter, I'm glad you enjoyed it despite this discrepancy.

Second stanza second line: My instinct would tell me to leave it as it would be spoken. I know yoda's really cool but putting words in a different order is only really beneficial if its to create rhyme or rhythm. Other than that good concept, imagination and language. Me like.