I'm trying out a new style of writing...more direct and more 'first perons' - before i finish the first chapter I wanted some feedback on the style and whether I should continue.......

Note - this is a work in progress and is far from being finished - hence the reason it's not posted as an article! NOTE: there is some bad language................

There I was justa walking down the street, singing doo-wa diddy….hang on that sounds like a song? No way – it is!!! Anyhows, there I was…singing dowa diddy when a little angel popped up in front of me!

When I mean popped, I mean popped in many ways. It made a popping sound as the bubble it appeared in popped open with a peculiarly pensively proper pop. I also mean popped as in, “heyyy I just popped in to say hi”, or “hey man, I popped her cork last night.”. Well you see, I was quite figuratively fucked. There I was….oh yeah, I told you that already didn’t I…well this angel made me poop my pants…imagine a poop pertaining to popping eh!

Well, due to the ponderous lump of poop threatening to burst its way out of my shorts, the rather attractive female, who had been spontaneously spying my nice derriere, let out a scream so violent, that I turned around instantly, and plop, promptly fell over the popping angel.

Oh shit….and OH SHIT…..well you see, the aforementioned poop, promptly plopped itself right onto the poor pompous angel and practically covered the poor pious thing. (If you think I’m using too much ‘p’ in this story, then let me tell you about the pee that followed the poo….well maybe I should leave that for another day?).

Do I perceive a little boredom out there? Well perhaps I should pretend to ignore it and just continue.

Well once I had the angel all cleaned up, well hang on a minute, I should note that cleaning an angel is not all together easy. First of all I was surprised to find that this particular angel was very solid; I had some vague idea that angels were light and translucent. I also wasn’t sure if it was perfectly proper to fondle an angel. This particular angel was particularly grumpy this morning too; whether this was because of the poop or because of the proposition it was about to give me, well we’ll find out now won’t we?

OK now where was I, oh yes, the clean angel.


Well, perhaps before I tell you about the perfectly profound proposition, and the aforementioned pious angel, I should tell you more about myself.

My name is Albert, or Alby. I’m a seriously salty sailor, with a liking for wine, women and wine! I saunter around town on my shore leave days, seeking out refreshment that comes in many forms for me. Did I mention the wine and the women?

Well, being a sailor, I am proud to say I could be classed as a hunk. If you can move your eyes away from my perfect derriere, around my well muscled biceps and triceps, over my gargantuan shoulders to my delectable head you’d be very surprised to check out my James Bond good looks! Now to see some distinctly English ‘chops’ on an American sailor is strange I know, but then me mum is English you see old chaps!

To be or not to be....that is totally illogical captain.....Spock.

http://personalopinionator.blogspot.com

The problem I'm having with this is that you try to be "too real." A story can be written to be very realistic and personal, but too much can really bring the enjoyability down. I found your character to be too much of a "chatty Kathy" making it difficult to follow what was really going on. Obviously he doesn't have it all there, but I don't think you want force the reader to endure hearing the story ramble out of his mumbling mouth. I say try to back off a little on relying on creating a "realistic" character, and move towards a "believable" character that can still tell a story.

I agree with Justin's sentiments.

I think the writing style above may work for a scene or two, but not for much longer as it was getting tedious to read.

Out of all of it, I liked the last paragraph the most; where he introuduces himself