Hi SimeyCook --- Very nice start to your story. It’s not a genre I would choose, but I’ll try to rise above that.
In the third paragraph, second sentence, I would change the two semi-colons to full stops creating three sentences out of one. I’m not sure if this constitutes an error, but I think it would improve the general style.
In the next paragraph the same thing, the last sentence is too long and verging on run-on status. Here’s the way I would see it. Example:--[Othro saw opportunity; being a fledgling adventurer, and not a good one at that. He saw opportunity to prove himself, to show the rest of his adventure buddies that he could kill an orc. There isn’t a goblin out there that could trade blows with him; he would prove them all wrong.] Besides the sentences, I have changed wasn’t to isn’t, a matter of the wrong tense.
Paragraph five---I’m not impressed with the first sentence, it seems short and all most incomplete. It is not in my opinion a good idea to start a sentence with [and] it is a conjunction used to join things together. Example: --- [As Othro move down the tunnel, deeper into the boles of the earth he heard strange noises, grunts—groans combined in a cacophony of noise that was both frightening and funny. Next sentence [---were up to—he assumed---].
Paragraph six---After big, change holding to, [he held] and end the sentence after justice. Start the new sentence [With his]
I have rewritten the seventh paragraph in an effort to illustrate what can be done with a little thought.
He moved quickly forward, his chain mail whispering softly, in contrast to his shield clanking loudly against his sword, as he clumsily, tried to charge through the door. Moving into the large cave, Orthro opened his mouth to scream his favorite war chant. His eyes surveyed the scene, which slowly came into focus. The war cry died on his lips, leaving his mouth open, his eyes stunned. His face looked very reminiscent of the gold fish; his mother had given him as a child.
Okay, for the remainder of this chapter, I will rewrite the paragraphs I see the need for change in. I will try to use the same language you have used as much as possible and will briefly explain why I’m making changes.
In the next paragraph I will combine the first two sentences, because they both say the same thing. I will change the hyphen between pants and but to a comma, because that’s what it should be. I will change the semi-colon after man to a period because that’s what it should be. Last but not least I will try to find replacement words for large, because it is over used.
He saw a very large man, slumped face down over a make–shift table. He wore a leather jerkin and leather pants, but the pants were down around his ankles, his bare butt seemingly glinting in the scattered light of the torches that ringed the room. To the left a giant troll stood staring at the prone man. A discarded club lay at his feet, splattered with blood. His huge hands were fumbling at his belt searching for an entirely different club. Ahead, in front of the prone man, another troll sat, a hand lazily placed on top of the man's head, stopping him from moving or escaping.
The first two sentences should be combined and nonchalantly was spelled incorrectly.
Othoro just stared as the troll ahead of him as he looked up and smiled. Nonchalantly he raised the head in his hands, slamming it back to the table.
Rough and calm not generally used together, dialog tag is unnecessary word enlargement at end of dialog.
"Gwarg, we have company," his voice rough, yet strangely calm, "we will need to finish this later." Standing up he moved towards Othro. Gwarg looked confused, almost sad as he began to re-fasten his belt. Leaning forward he picked up his club and turned to face Othro.
Punctuation in dialog must be within the quotation marks.
"Gwarg is not happy. Gwarg wanted to play. Gwarg will kill the little man now.”
The term [not letting the door hit him on the way out] has two strikes against it. It is very close to being a cliché and it is inappropriate, because there has never been any doors mentioned, so were did they come from all of a d sudden?
Yet again intelligence deserted Othro, a truly intelligent man would have ran—ran for his life. Othro screaming charged the first troll, his sword swinging wildly, his shield raised to cover his side from the other troll. His swing was true and Othro was happy to see that the troll could bleed.
Lose the dialog tag.
“Now you make me angry.” The bleeding troll seemed more concerned by the sight of the blood, then any real sense of danger. Picking up a chair, he aimed a ponderous blow at Othro's head. Othro, whether by design or fortune, stumbled and the chair missed his head by a cat's whisker.
I would not use grin and grim in the same short fraise.
The second troll was running after Othro, his club moving side to side ominously, his smile both sinister and grim. Othro wheeled around to face the troll and for the first time in his life, his intelligence moved to the fore. His eyes widened as he realized he should have ran. Two trolls against one well armed knight were not good odds; two trolls against one lightly armored, untrained adventurer didn't even rate odds.
Just some tense changes.
Othro parried the swinging club with his shield; a jolt of pain ran up his arm. His sword arm rose to block the oncoming chair, but to no avail it crashed into him, splintering on his upper arm. His arms were numb, his shield arm was sluggish, he was barely able to block the club. Time seemed to slow to almost a stand still, as he wondered if the shield or his arm would break first.
This paragraph is actually three. Generally dialog starts a new paragraph, but text can follow in the same paragraph. Dialog can also resume in the same paragraph providing it’s the same speaker. If a new speaker is introduced a new paragraph must be started. This rule is not followed by everyone, but for new writers I think it’s imperative.
Othro backed away slowly, parrying frantically with both sword and shield, wondering if anyone would ever find his corpse. The two trolls slowed slightly, seeming to enjoy toying with him, Gwarg grinned at him.
"Fun ain't it."
The other troll laughed. "I like playing with my food, it makes…." He stopped talking suddenly, a look of surprise frozen on his face, as a large axe split his skull. Gwarg grimaced as he watched the other troll die, and turned seeking out the axe bearer. The previously prone man stood in front of the dying troll, his pants still at his ankles, his manhood swinging wildly. His eyes were wild and fearful, but there was something in them that was as hard as steel. Slowly he pulled the axe out of the troll's skull and faced Gwarg. Othro, for the first time in his life seized the initiative.
Sentence structure.
Othro`s thrusting sword caught Gwarg by surprise, its sharp tip sliced through leather and entering into his back just above the heart. Gwarg made a grunt, followed by a gurgle, as blood filled his mouth. He looked surprised as he slumped to his knees, his head moving from side to side, as if denying his pain. His eyes opened wide as he spied the axe swinging towards him; pain and fear were etched in the face as his head was removed, a ghastly testament left for those who would come later.
The man's eyes blinked several times and slowly the madness faded from them. The axe lowered slowly as a sly, almost embarrassed grin creased his face. Slowly he lowered the axe, and leaned it against a table close by. The man pulled up his pants, as he studied Othro, with a deep and searching look; when he spoke his voice was a low rumble. "My thanks to you sir, things were looking dire". Reaching out a gargantuan hand towards Othro he introduced himself.
"Andros son of Agnor, exiled from the land of Halor once, and future king."
"Ummmm Othro, son of Othro, no exile, no king" intoned Othro, a flush of embarrassment crossing his face.
"Well met Othro, shall we leave?"
Talk to you soon---ablelaz.
Hi SimeyCook----You have a very good imagination, your spelling is close to excellent and your sense of story is bang on. I `m most interested in how you manage to keep up this pace, if this is indeed intended as a full novel.
Your weaknesses would have to be sentence structure, paragraph structure and wordage. Wordage is very easy to address, in most cases if you just slow down a little and think about what you’re writing you will realize it’s awkward or unnatural. It is said for every fraise a writer pens there are at least eleven different way of saying the same thing, so relax and have some fun with your writing.
A sentence is the expression of an idea, you can add to a sentence by supporting, or enlarging on it, but once you leave that idea and start another it has to be a new sentence. It is considered unwise to introduce a sentence and then keep enlarging on it, once or twice perhaps, but beyond that is generally considered a run-on sentence.
The last flaw I saw in this story, was a very large gap in time and circumstance between the end of chapter one and the start of chapter two. Anyway, if you find value in what I have said about chapter one, perhaps we can continue, if on the other hand you don’t think my opinions have merit just say so, and save us both some time.
Talk to you soon---ablelaz.
