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3 Reviews
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hm hm hm
Posted Oct 13, 2008
The Pros
Emotion is pretty visible here. I can connect in ways...
I like the end a lot.
The last two lines.
Insightful, meaningful, really gives the piece a serious ending. Something that is very close to the heart for a lot of people, and it tied a lot of the piece together.
The Cons
It feels a bit loose until the end. I'd like more elaboration, to know what's happening...
Is she moving? Dieing? Just... not a friend anymore?
I feel like there's a good amount of emotion there on your part, you just need to throw me a rope so I can get into it too.
Final Thoughts
I think, again, this poem would be stronger if you got the reader into it. I've had the experience of almost "breaking up" with my closes friend on many occasions, and that's something that, if you portrayed really well, I'd give you a really high score for. You're already bearing your soul in poetry, you might as well let the reader in entirely.
Good luck in life.
Author's Reply
yeah. I can see what you mean. and just to let you know, what happened to my friend is that she got abused by her mom while I was over for a sleepover. the police were called and they took her away. she totally changed after that. she started cussing and yelling at me a lot. so yeah. that is what it is all about. hope that helps! thankyou for your comment! :)
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Oxymoron's R US
Posted Oct 11, 2008
The Pros
Oxymoron's are a powerful thing and when used well can be amazingly good! You used them well at times, and despite this being a short poem managed to convey your message well.
The Cons
I felt that you perhaps overused the oxymoron - it was refreshing intially but became a bore as the poem progressed. Some of them also seemed to be present just for the sake of fitting in...as Crowley said 'already forgiven....' this didn't really fit and was repetitive.
Final Thoughts
Overall it was an enjoyable poem that perhaps overused the oxymoron. There was nothing wrong with the language used, but there also wasn't anything spectacular that really made me think 'wow'....I too look forward to seeing some different styles...
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Oxymorons are great
Posted Oct 11, 2008
The Pros
I love oxymorons when used thematically and these are great. I especially liked "always remember but good to forget" because this is a good observation as well. Your structure and rhythm are fine for this type of poetry as well so its a very complete poem all in all.
The Cons
Some lines felt wrong. "Already forgiven but not forgotten" didn't work and you've also already used forget so it seems repetitive/ Perhaps, "Already forgiven but never redeemed" would be a beter word choice.
Final Thoughts
A good poem that I enjoyed reading but it needs an edit to be really good. You clearly have a natural talent which is displayed here but I don't see much technical prowess, I'd love to see another style of your poetry on here next.
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