Author's Commentary
Judging by the various responses I've received both on Papertank and via e-mail, there seems to be some uncertainty over whether or not this article is actually meant to be taken seriously. In fact, I'm not even sure anymore. It started out as a complete joke, but I found it difficult to pretend to be as ignorant as I had originally intended, so as I revised the article, I started defending my ridiculous viewpoint in some parts while making the humor even more apparent in others. The end result is something that looks far more serious than it really is, because some of what you see below is undeniably true while some of it is still absurdly sexist. I think the best course of action at this point is to recommend taking this as a joke, because regardless of how many kernels of truth I managed to sneak into this page, it was ultimately meant to make you laugh. In any case, while this disclaimer ruins some of the fun, I figured it was necessary. Enjoy!
Like most decent people, when discussing controversial issues, I usually try to maintain some minimal degree of political correctness. When it comes to race and religion, I treat everyone equally... except for scientologists. Where there's controversy in politics, I look at both sides of an issue... or pretend to. But I have no regard for political correctness when it gets in the way of
actual correctness.
In my opinion -- also known as the truth -- unconditional fairness is not always the answer. Some people are just
overly politically correct, to the point where it defies logic. (For the sake of avoiding any serious conflict, I won't even be touching the "affirmative action" debate with a ten foot pole... but if you're not a fucking moron, you can probably infer as much as you need to know about my opinion on the subject from the context in which I just mentioned it. Long story short, political correctness has become another variety of fanaticism, and I'm sure the ACLU is partly to blame.)
Now, I hope, you'll understand why I make no real attempt to create the illusion of political correctness in the following article. (Because it's just a waste of my fucking time.) That being said, I'm about to delve into the dangerous world of sexism... for the greater good of mankind, of course. And by mankind, I mean men. And by men, I mean heterosexual men, with penises.
But enough of this introductory bullshit. You're probably wondering about the title of this article. It does require a bit of explanation. Once upon a time, I was browsing through a message board located somewhere on this pile of shit we call the World Wide Web, when someone posted a photo of a woman wearing a particularly skimpy swimsuit which essentially revealed everything except for her nipples, and ironically made her look less attractive because it was a bit too tight, which is cool if you have some kind of bondage fetish, but that's not the point. Along with this photo came the question of whether or not the woman should be considered "naked." Of course, she is wearing something; on the other hand, it's barely anything at all.
Not that you give a damn about my take on the subject, but the distinction between "clothed" and "naked" in this particular situation (and maybe in general) is little more than a technicality. The amount of skin
not being shown is only a few square inches. What difference would it make if the so-called bikini were not there? None at all, unless you really believe that the only truly private part of a woman's upper body is a little bump on the very end of each breast. Hell, I don't even need to use a picture of a humorously revealing article of clothing as an example to illustrate this point, because the extent to which people are required to cover their bodies (and which parts are allowed to be shown) is just a trivial and arbitrary rule invented by people who were, for some reason, ashamed of themselves. What the fuck is a nipple? It's not even a sex organ. There was a time when showing an ankle in public was considered obscene. How much more ridiculous is that than the current social standard? None.
Believe it or not, I've actually gone a bit off-topic, and the aforementioned swimsuit photograph has almost
nothing to do with this article. The topic at hand, however, arises from another message board post that was made as a response to the photo. Someone asked, in so many words, why women wear revealing, skimpy, skin-tight clothes, if they don't want men to stare at them. Clearly, this was little more than an attempt to start a needless debate by some troll hiding behind his anonymity, but needless debates are hilarious and our culture thrives on them, so I started thinking...
Consider this: If that bangin' girl in my high school Physics class had known I was staring at her amazing tits when she wore that sexy low-cut top, then she probably would have slapped me in the face, and even so, I have to wonder if showing that much cleavage had any other purpose than to make guys like me look down at her chest. Why do they put on such damn sexy clothing if we aren't supposed to enjoy it? Are they unaware that boobs attract attention? Is it not our right to stare at something that is so obnoxiously (though not always literally) shoved in our faces? Well, I have a secret to reveal to the ignorant masses. I have a bomb to drop on society.
They do want us to stare at them.
Now, don't get excited. I can rationalize this... I think. Everyone is familiar with the feminist rallying cry, of sorts, that women are not sex objects. Of course they aren't. But they are sexy, and they know it. (The key word in "sex object" is not sex; it's object, and the real issue here is an improper use of vocabulary, rather than a lack of respect, because everyone knows that inanimate objects can't have orgasms. The sex part, on the other hand, is dead-on.) You want the truth? Women who wear short shorts and tight clothes want men to look at them and immediately think of sex.
This might sound painfully obvious to some of you, but they deny it, so it's my responsibility to
undeny it. Simply put, they want to get fucked, and more importantly, they want me to want to fuck them, but they won't let me because they're evil. Don't believe me? Then maybe you should stop being borderline-homosexual, and look at the issue objectively: There's absolutely no other reason for a woman to wear such revealing clothing, unless she's living on the equator and doesn't have the mental capacity to realize that there are ways to keep cool without being half-naked. Nobody is forcing girls to wear shorts that literally go all the way up to their asses. They do it because they like how it looks, and they want men to notice them. Not that I'm complaining; I like how it looks too. But given their decision to dress the way they do, it's ridiculous to think that they'd honestly be offended at the thought of men drooling over them, so go ahead and drool.
However, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Remember, it's a well-known fact that women complain and slap you in the face when you stare at their conveniently exposed breasts. What's the explanation for this absurd discrepancy? Simple: While they do want men to notice their boobs, they also want the right to say that we
shouldn't. It's all a part of this new brand of feminism that seeks to put women above men, in this case through trickery more insidious than witchcraft. Intentionally attracting attention, and then claiming that everyone who pays attention is a sexist womanizer, is presumably their way of making it look like they're being mistreated when they're not, or that men are morally inferior. Then again, perhaps it's simply a sign that they have no idea what they want. Either way, stupidity abounds.
Or maybe they only contradict their own actions in an attempt to maintain a bit of dignity in our fucked up world, because human society as a whole is so full of itself that being open about sexuality automatically makes a woman into a slut, because acknowledging sexuality is socially unacceptable, because we like to pretend that we aren't animals. We are. People are made to eat, shit, and fuck. Our two most basic, fundamental bodily functions are passing food through our bodies, turning it into smelly brown stuff in the process, and exchanging bodily fluids, which would be just as meaningless as it sounds if humans weren't experts at making everything complicated. Nobody can properly define the word "love" because nobody knows what the fuck it is, because there's already a three-letter word for the most basic aspects of it. Why am I getting off topic again?
Here's the point I'm trying to make. Women, don't be surprised if everyone tries to get in your pants when the pants you're wearing are smaller than your ass. And men, don't be fooled by their evil tricks. They know exactly what they're doing. They just don't want you to know that they know. That's why they're going to call me a sexist bastard, and try to have my article removed from this wonderful site, and maybe even accuse me of being a rapist, if I'm particularly lucky. Unfortunately for them, freedom of speech still exists in this country, and even more unfortunately, this article has nothing to do with rape. It probably looks like I'm coming dangerously close to endorsing the hilariously sexist "women want to be raped" mentality with this moderately sexist "women want you to wank over them" rant, but if you really think that anything I've written on this page has anything to do with forcing someone to have sex, you're just looking too hard for an excuse to disagree with me. You're dying to poke moral holes in my argument because you know I'm right and you hate it. Blow me!
As a side-note, however, I should point out that not
all women dress like total sluts, and so it follows logically that it's not always appropriate to stare at any given woman's chest like the stupid fucking ape that you probably are. You can also conclude, if you're not illiterate, that when I use the word "women" in this article, I'm not talking about all women. Then again, maybe I am, since a number of societies view the exposure of any part of a woman's body as unacceptable, and for all you know, I agree with
them. Who's to say that every woman in America is not a dirty whore, as the Iranians would say? On second thought, let's not go there. Nobody likes Iran, and I have too much dignity to stoop that low. Rather than writing a coherent disclaimer here, I'll let you screw-ups sort out the details. If you disagree with or disapprove of anything I write, it's probably because you're too dumb to understand it, because I'm always right.
Speaking of Iran, the laws there are disgusting. I've never supported any war, let alone the current war in Iran's slightly-less-annoying next-door neighbor, but if the president decides to invade Iran, I'm all for liberating their asses to kingdom come. That is, so long as all the fighting is done by robots. Then again, all we need to do in order to defeat Iran is distribute free porn and watch their neatly governed society, with all its religious laws and persecution, crumble and disintegrate into something like what we have here in America. In other words, they need to learn how to party. Any man who interprets his religion such that he believes it's a sin for a woman to show her face has obviously never had a boner. (It's widely believed that their heads would instantly explode if they ever saw a pornstar giving a blowjob. Just like that, victory would be ours.)
Speaking of pornstars, however... they're gross. Amateur porn is way better. The fake orgasms in mainstream porn are about as arousing as a hot woman in traditional Iranian attire. We all prefer cleavage, which brings me back to the main topic: My basic instincts as an animal tell me that women were put on Earth to assist me in my quest to make babies and pass on my genetic material to the next generation. Who are they to tell me differently? Answer me that.
What the hell are women complaining about, anyway? They have their equal rights now, and they're
still immune to the draft. On top of that, we can't hit them, and they always go first. Then again, I have a penis, and they don't. I guess it works out, in the end.
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