The Greatest Story Ever Told

• 
  Article
• 1 Review
• 1 Comment

Way back in time, the year
27 A.D.
Was a man who liked wine water
And could walk across the sea
His dad really liked wood, but
His mother was less fond, and
When he damn well felt like it,
He’d bless you in a pond

One day, some bad guys came to town
And they couldn’t take a hint
They searched him for magic items
But all they found was lint
So they were like, “What’s with this guy?
He can make his clothes all white!”
And He said “Duh, I’m the Son of God,
Now, I’ll show you guys the light.”
And He said;

“Halleluiah, halleluiah, I’m going to save the day
I’m gonna die for all your sins, now go to church and pray!”

So the bad guys thought of mental tricks
To knock Him off His feet
But Jesus would just rise again;
In Dad’s house, he can’t be beat
The bad guys got the Romans,
And the Romans asked the Jews;
“Does this guy have any flaws?
Politically incorrect views?”

The Jews said “No, well, wait, never mind,
We’re sure that He does not.
But you know that chick Mary Magdalene?
He thinks she’s pretty hot.”
That might not be what they really said,
But a thousand years later and nine hundred seventy eight more
This guy named Dan was like “Well, that’s legit.”
And put it in his book and started a new debating war

But that’s another story,
And not the greatest ever told.
Now where was I…?

He cleaned out this one guy’s ears
He made this other bud see once more
He only cried one time, at most
Or so they say, according to lore
It matters not, he just caught fish
He said, “Lazarus, now you can come out!”
He lived in the desert, forty days, now
This is what the greatest story’s all about,
So listen;

The Devil came, saddled high,
Upon his demon horse
He said, “Hear, thee;
Are you the One?”
And the Son said back,
“Of course!”

The Devil sneered, his nostrils flared
The sky turned a deep, dark red
Two guitars fell from the sky;
“Then we battle until someone’s dead!”

And the greatest story ever
Began.

So Lucifer brought down a riff of iron
Upon the burning ground
A stage lifted into the air
And all around was the guitar sound

So Jesus washed His hands in holy water
And did the sign of cross
Because what he did directly after this
Would have Satan take a loss

He tapped harmonics across the frets
The angels swooned in envy
Satan dropped a really wicked sweep
And it started a divine frenzy

And all at once, the guitars stopped,
The world at peace once more
But then the players retrieved their picks,
And started anew the holy war

The clouds were falling, the sky was spinning
The stage alight from solos
The angels crying, the people running
For they could not escape the guitar bellows

Jesus then pulled off a stunt,
That not a single man could do;
Behind his back, with teeth, eyes closed,
He played, whilst on his head, and aced the last note, too

The Devil howled, he shrank five sizes
And crawled into a hole
The world celebrated, jealous of Jesus’ playing
And made guitar playing their only goal

And so went the greatest story ever told.
Cool, right?

• Different.

  by Simon

  Posted Mar 16, 2009
  +10
  Well this put me mind of the song 'the devil came down to georgia' - as I read it felt like a 'song' where there were two protaganists at times. It was funny at times and wasw definately light hearted. Once I got the violins out of my mind I then got Mel Brook in my head reading it!
  
  ... (read more)

• alisha
  Mar 15, 2009
  lol. That was quite hilarious. The ending just needed something like: "That's the story behind Guitar Hero too!"
  I totally loved it. It reminds me of those amusing folk songs my grandfather used to sing to me while playing his guitar.

• Date Added
• Mar 13, 2009 at 7:38 PM
• Article Type
• Opinion
• Genres
• Humor, Creative, Poetry
• Topics
• Religion, People
• Overall Statistics
• 143 Views
• 4 Votes
• Favorited by 1 Users
• Site Rankings
• #267 for Score
• #369 for Popularity
• #46 for Favorites