Once upon a time there was a boy named Herald. Also once upon a time there was a girl. Her name was Samantha, but she went by Sam. If anyone called her Samantha, she’d twist their nipples until they popped. And if you called Herald, Samantha, well that just wouldn’t make a lot of sense.
For the longest time these two innocent God fearing children didn’t know one another. And by ‘the longest time,’ I mean they’re entire lives. But one cold, nipple hardening October, their two worlds collided like a tasseled whip across a willing scrotum. Hawt. That reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents, but that’s another story. Unless you want to hear it? No? But you should have seen my mom, she was bent like a… alright.
Where was I, ah yes, the colliding. They collided all right, on the most romantic and personal places of them all. Myspace. Sam was browsing for hot guys when she stumbled upon Herald’s page. She was immediately attracted to Herald’s astonishing good looks, sharp wit, and extra nipple. After checking out his horribly unorganized and slow loading Myspace page, she decided she needed to know more about this boy. She planned her attack. It was a well crafted and spell checked comment, stuffed to the rafters with little hearts and ‘lolz’. It was bulletproof. She clicked the ‘post comment’ button. Myspace had an error and she had to try several times before she actually got it through, causing her to accidentally send three of the same comment. Several minutes passed as Sam waited for a reply from Herald. She refreshed her homepage every ten seconds for five minutes. Suddenly a new comment warning came up. It was Herald! She read it very intensely and meticulously; taking everything she could out of every single word. After painstaking hours she finished reading his comment, which read, ‘hey.’
Herald and Sam began to share several small conversations, usually ending up with them sending each other a bunch of funny Youtube videos they found. Their conversations began to become more and more serious with every passing day. Eventually they were cybering hardcore every night. Herald even wrote her the most heartfelt poem he could muster.
"Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I'd Really Like to Stick it in your Pooper."
Sam loved it. Every time she read his poem, it gave her a boner. While this went on, they never said a single word in public. Not even one of those half-assed gestures like lifting the eyebrows in acknowledgment of one anothers existence. In school, they’d walk right past each other in the hallways as if they were strangers. But they were far from strangers; they were Myspace lovers. Hot nasty Myspace lovers. This sad excuse of an internet relationship couldn't go on forever. Something had to be done. It was up to Herald to break the ice. He liked the girl, found her funny, and enjoyed her huge boobs, hoping someday to give them a nice squeeze. Sam felt the same; she liked her own fun bags and squeezed them often.
Sam was far too shy to say anything, but talking in public was right up Herald’s alley. Herald knew what he had to do. This was it. This was the moment. This was the single most important event in their miserable and inevitably worthless lives. Holy shit. Herald made his move. As they passed each other in the hallway, Sam looked at Herald and Herald looked at Sam’s dirty pillows. He slapped the books she was carrying out of her hands and onto the floor, laughed at her for several minutes. He kicking her books around, and urinated on her face. They ended up having sex right there on the hallway floor for several hours in so many different positions they put the
Kama Sutra to shame. It was true love.
Sam thought it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for her. Luckily for Herald, she lived a very sheltered life. The match was struck, the first small flames of romance burned softly and slowly, for there were many obstacles to be overcome before these two lovers shared their hearts, and tongues.
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