There comes a time in every man’s life (around the age of 12) when he must explore what it is that he wants out of life. As it turns it, what most men want is sexual pleasure. Upon this discovery most men begin to explore their sexual 'options'. Due to the inherent laziness that is imbued in the human male, they begin searching for a partner to assist them in fulfilling their sexual pleasure once they advance beyond the remedial stages of masturbation. The belief that a partner is needed to assist in the fulfillment of this objective is a misguided one that typically isn’t corrected until adulthood.
After a few years of heartache, annoyance, disappointment, the destruction of one’s financial and social well being, or the production of horrible offspring, many men learn that a partner is less beneficial than they initially believed. It is at this point in life that the man really begins to explore their true options. Toys, lubricants, various genres of pornography, farm animals, inanimate objects not intended for sexual use, these things all become the new sexual ‘partner’ for the liberated man. This new found sexual freedom does come at some risk though. No, nothing like the risk to a man's sanity or finances that he would experience by having a wife or life partner (these risks aren’t nearly as diabolical as those), however, they are risks all the same:
Embarrassment:
Many men, especially those who are less educated, never get past the self-consciousness that develops during the adolescent stages of pleasuring themselves. Some, in fact, still fall prey to the old wives’ tales of blindness, hirsuteness of the palms, or possibility of insanity. Not ironically, the potential for serious mental disability increases exponentially during the progression of an actual relationship with another human being. This wives' tale was an obvious reverse-psychology ploy by women solely for the benefit of women. Masturbation has never led to a documented case of a serious mental disorder. Marriage has. Once a man learns to love himself to the best of his ability and without embarrassment he can begin his journey to true liberation and his own salvation.
Guilt:
Society often dictates the behaviors of individuals. Obviously at no point in a young boy’s life does he think to himself, “self, what I really want to do in life is find a woman whom I will have to spend countless years trying to please despite the fact that we have completely dissimilar interests and I have no idea what will really please her and will end up getting yelled at for the failures instead or praised for the efforts?” This run-on thought actually doesn’t occur until later in life and is completed by preceding it with, “When the fuck did I ever think to myself...”
Despite all of this mental confusion, one thing that is clear is that the young boy’s thought process is not nearly as complex as that. The actual thought process at that special time in a boy’s life is more akin to: “I wish I could find a warm place to put this thing.” These thoughts eventually get used against him as they will lead to negotiations that he will constantly lose. The sexually confounded mind of a boy is mankind's worst enemy (even worse than Oprah). Eventually the young boy becomes a young man and he becomes conditioned to believe that, yes, you can find a place to "put it" but you should do it for the purposes of procreation. This type of bargaining is actually a trick that women designed so that they could fulfill their own needs. Not a ‘biological’ need to have a child, no, women desire offspring because they want "friends" that they can control (for a few years anyway) because women typically stab their own real friends in the back with amazing ease (eventually this backstabbing behavior leads to loneliness, thus causing a desire to produce offspring).
The unfortunate belief that men need to assist in the breeding process to validate their desire for sexual fulfillment has led to many different social problems such as: over-population, the weakening of the species through the slowing of human evolution, the war on drugs, and it nearly resulted in the possible election of a "woman" as president. The lengths a man will go to for sexual fulfillment are quite scary indeed. The ability to assuage one’s guilt is the next step in becoming truly liberated.
Personal Injury:
This is probably the most critical issue one faces when really delving into the world of personal satisfaction. Most men are unaware of the potential for serious damage to “the goods” when “roughing up the suspect.” As masturbatory technique becomes more advanced the risk for injury increases. For example, some men enjoy binding which is essentially tying their up their ‘junk’ with a cord. While this does help maintain a much firmer and more glorious erection, it also increases the likelihood of bruising and permanent injury. Vigorous masturbation can also lead to an assortment of injuries to the testes such as strangulation. This should be prevented and avoided at all cost since it can lead to the loss of the affected testicle(s). To prevent serious injury while furiously masturbating a man needs only one tool: common sense. Do: use lubricant. Do not: use gardening gloves. Do: experiment with toys designed for sexual enjoyment. Do not: use objects that are obviously not intended for masturbation such as boiling water, porcupines, cacti, or meat tenderizing mallets. Do: feel free to enjoy yourself regularly. Do not: masturbate so often that your member becomes bloodied and beaten like your masculinity was during your last relationship. There are many Dos and Don'ts associated with stroking your own ego. Common sense will help you figure them out (hopefully... doubtfully).
Conclusion:
Once a man learns to overcome his fears of embarrassment, guilt, and personal injury he can become a truly liberated individual no longer subject to the whims of his penis and a vagina wielding half human- half demon. No longer will he have to worry about whether he should measure from the top of the scrotum or clear back from the butthole, because the need to impress others becomes unnecessary. No longer will the man with the comfortable six figure salary have to consider himself lower middle class because his budget includes cases upon cases of diapers, prada shoes, and weekly $300 hair cut and color. No longer will the man have to weigh out the benefit of sex at the cost of the his own total emasculation through a relationship with an evil, wicked, heartless, and soulless demon. Once a man learns these things he can become truly liberated. He can become free.
FREEEEEEEDOM!!!!!
//About the author:
Stephen is not, by any stretch of the imagination, an actual ‘writer.’ Nor, despite what one might perceive by reading this article is he actually bitter towards women (not most anyway). He has, however, achieved the status of “Grand Masturbator” as defined by the major sanctioning bodies of professional masturbation because of the relationships he has maintained with certain women.
He would like to extend an 'olive branch' to women everywhere (hot ones) to join him in this quest for personal liberation. Although he doesn't have any advice for those women on the subject of masturbation, he does thoroughly enjoy mutual masturbation, watching women masturbate, and having sex with women after a period of mutual masturbation and foreplay. Any women (hot ones) who would like to participate in this personal exploration with me should email: me@stephenlambert.com
Also, he would like to thank those soulless, wicked demons who helped him find his way to personal freedom and independence (as well as moderate financial stability.) To those women he leaves this message, “Thank you, you vile, evil, whoring, little jizz pelicans. I cheated on every one of you with your sister/best friend/cousin. That axe wound of yours should start to fester anytime now as much as you use it. Have fun with that. Cheers!”//
~
Digg
del.icio.us
Stumbleupon
Reddit
Furl
Facebook
