Just a Puddle
Gas, gas everywhere...
The Pros When I started reading this I thought there must be a new surge in popularity for World War I because this is the second article we've had about it in a week. I admit, I was little skeptical at first. I thought 'oh boy, here comes another cliche war story again!' But I was wrong, dead wrong, mustard gas lung melting wrong! This was a very interesting unique take at a very specific and significant aspect of World War I. Chemical warfare and the effects it had on soldiers that fought in it. I felt like I was following right along with the soldier as he went from hurt and poisoned to babbling on in the hospital to his eventual demise. It was focused, it was interesting, and it clipped along at a great pace!
The Cons I could tell you were experimental in this piece. You tried a few different ways of expressing things through the soldiers mind. They worked.. kind of. I didn't like having to decipher that long sentence with no spaces, it really slowed me down. The period after every word slowed me down, and it didn't get effect you were going for(I read the comments about those already). The jumbled up letters at the end worked the best out of all of them. Keep experimenting, but go back and read them again and think of how your readers will get out of them. I noticed a few spelling errors here and there too, watch out for those!
Final Thoughts It was an experimental piece, and not everything worked perfectly, but well enough. The story was solid, original, and enjoyable to read. I really liked this article, I thought you did a good job with it, and I think you should keep pushing further ahead with your abstract writing style.
3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
The Pros Good story. It kept me intrigued throughout the entire thing. The ending was also tastefully done, making as if you were in there with the dying man, with the words being phonetically "slurred" I suppose you would call it. And Chaotictheory didn't like it, which always makes things more appealing to me!
The Cons The paragraph where you wanted it to seem like shallow breathing didn't really seem to have that affect on me, though I'm not sure how you would do that in a literary sense. Kudos for the attempt though. Also there were some grammatical errors that I noticed, which drew my attention away from the story.
Final Thoughts Perhaps with the shallow breathing, not make it every word. It seems like a couple words might have been a better approach. The story was wonderful, and the ending was solid. Keep up the good work!
4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
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Literature
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Overall Stats
284 Views
5 Votes
Site Rankings
#22 for Score
#12 for Popularity
