Nothing stirs up a big vat of controversy like talking about Hitler, am I right? He’s become quite the celebrity lately, being referenced in movies, televisions shows, commercials, music, cartoons, magazines, books, scrolls, stone tablets, blimps, smoke signals, everyday conversations, letters, telegrams, emails, myspace comments, carrier pigeons, and every other way of communication known to man. He really does prove that there is no such thing as bad PR. The bastard is more popular than Jesus. I dare say he’s even bigger than The Beatles, if that’s humanly possible.
I’m getting pretty tired of hearing about the guy. I know he’s famous for killing a few Jews or something. Hitler was a bad man. I watched the History channel once and I learned all I'll ever need to know about him. He ripped legs off babies and sucked out their blood for sustenance and jerked off in the faces of old people. He even threw a gum wrapper on the ground and scoffed at a Native American once, I seen it. He’s sick, and I’ve witnessed that horrific emo flip of his. I’ve heard people call him crazy for what he did, completely bat-shit-fucking-off-the-wall crazy. Hitler fought in the War to End All Wars and inhaled nerve gas. Did you ever take a huff of nerve gas? That stuff will send you for a fucking loop! Hitler was not in the same dimension as us for the majority of his life. I wouldn’t put pass the possibility that he heard small furry critters tell him to kill Jews. It happened to Snow White, I seen it.
People don’t understand how all of Germany just bent over and took it from Hitler. First of all, not everyone in Germany took one for the team. Einstein escaped, and someone remembered him mentioning something along the lines of “fuck this shit, I’m getting my black ass outta here!” Second of all, Hitler was a very charming man. Did you see his wife? He
had to have been smooth to get in her pants. Lastly and most importantly, Germany really sucked donkey balls at the time. It was obviously everyone’s fault for WWI, but Germany took all the blame and went into horrible debt trying to pay back war costs. The Deutsche Mark became so worthless that Monopoly money became more valuable. Germans were absolutely desperate for anybody to put food on their table and when some pudgy livid veteran starts claiming he can bring home the wiener shnitzel, that sounded pretty frickin’ good! And he fulfilled his promise, I seen it. All they had to do in return was help Hitler take over the world and wipe Jews off the face of the Earth, which seemed like a fair trade off at the time. Let me reiterate, those Germans were fucking
desperate. If Adolf Hitler had demanded fellatio, every single German citizen would have opened wide.
So from the fire breathing and laser beams shooting out of his eyes, we can easily assess that Adolf Hitler by human standards, is “evil.” He falls into the same category as a Klingon, the Joker, and that mustached man who tied a blonde chick to an active railroad track. What has struck my curiosity is how Hitler became the very
definition of evil. I checked out a recent edition of the English Dictionary and looked up evil. It told me to look under Hitler, Adolf. That’s ridiculous! Thanks to Hitler I had to turn an extra page and got a papercut. I’m a hemophiliac. It’s never going to stop bleeding. Hitler
is evil. There in lies the problem. Everyone uses him for comparison to everything. I thought there were other choices to use for examples, but apparently either no one is despicable enough or he’s the only one with sin and the rest of us are casting stones. If something has any tiny microscopic fragment of possible evil barely dangling off the very edge of it, it’s just like Hitler. When a man commits homicide, he’s like Hitler. If grade school children don’t let the fat kid on the swings, they’re like Hitler. If a child comes home with F’s on his report card and dad takes away his cell phone, dad is like Hitler. If a man feels the urge to kill thousands of Jewish people, he’s like Hitler. If you’re running around on grass barefoot singing polly waddle doodle and step on a pointy rock, that rock... is dangerous and should be moved to avoid that from happening again. We’ve become quite the narrow-minded society. Hitler is the very first person that comes to mind when discussing anything unfavorable. You think us Americans would be more upset over King George III, the king that ruled over Great Britain during the Revolutionary War. That bastard tried to keep us from getting our independence, I seen it. Doesn’t anybody get fired up about that? Nope.
Hitler is so popular that people call his toothbrush mustache the Hitler ‘stache now. That’s pretty greedy Hitler. I’m very fond of that style, being a huge fan of Charlie Chaplin, and would love to adorn that bush, but I can’t in fear of being ridiculed as a ‘Hitler-wanna-be.’ It’s true actually. I’m getting plastic surgery to look exactly like him because I love Hitler
that much. Can’t we just put the guy in the back of our heads and move on. Someone who ordered the killing of millions of Jewish people should be forgotten as a blemish in human evolution. Hitler gets almost as many hits on Google as ‘boobs.’ People find
boobs as interesting as Hitler. Shit, in that case advertisers might as well show a guy opening up a beer and Hitler showing up to the party instead of babes in swimsuits. When comparing searches in the United States, he’s practically neck-at-neck with Benjamin Franklin, one of the founding fathers of our nation, and at times has even surpassed Ben on Google. I’m not shitting you, look at
this. Ole Benji should have practiced a little Antisemitism before he died. Perhaps beat down a few Jews with his fur hat.
Hitler did some pretty bad shit, but he is definitely not the first person to do some pretty bad shit. The Pharaohs of Ancient Egypt were enslaving and killing Jews thousands of years before Hitler was even born. Here’s a list I compiled of people that committed horrible acts of cruelty to mankind before Hitler took power.
- King Tut
- Augustus Caesar
- Ivan the Terrible
- Attila the Hun
- Napoleon Bonaparte
- The Pope
- KKK
- Vlad the Impaler
- Pol Pot
- Tomas de Torquemada
- Adolph Eichmann
- Genghis Khan
- H. H. Holmes
- Lex Luthor
- Leopold II king of Belgium
- Jack the Ripper
- Emperor Theodosius
- Gregory the Great
- Davey Jones
- Justinian
- Tomas de Torquemada
- Doc Ock
- Howard Taft
- Herod the Great
- Papa "Doc" Duvalier
- Darth Maul
Of course we never hear of their atrocities because they are so greatly shrouded by Hitler. Joseph Stalin, one of our allies during World War II, killed twenty million of his own people. Whenever somebody made fun of his ridiculous mustache, he’d send them off to Siberia. Life in Siberia was a step
down from hell. Siberia is so cold, tears can freeze onto your face from crying in pain of how cold it is. Then your head explodes. Then you die, I seen it. Do we ever here anybody use Stalin as a comparison? Hardly ever, unless coupled with Hitler. What about Fidel Castro, Benito Mussolini, Hirohito, Mao Zedong, Kim-Il-sung, Ho Chi Minh, Saddam Hussein, Princess Diana? Nope. Don’t forget about the good old US of A. We almost caused the genocide of Native Americans and justified it with ‘Manifest Destiny.’ Manifest Destiny is the weakest excuse I’ve ever heard to kill people and take their land. I'm talking about America though, we're
nowhere near as bad as him! Hitler is the long piece of Tetris and falls into every conversation perfectly. Here are some of the real-life comparisons I’ve encountered involving Hitler:
“Hey, did you know that George Lucas based Revenge of the Sith off Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. Think about it man, Emperor Palpatine is a powerful political figure that’s really popular like Hitler. The Sith are like the Nazis that want complete control of the universe. The Jedi are like the Jews and Darth Sidious wants to get rid of them all. It’s like, exactly the same almost!”
“There was this girl I used to work with, and I swear she is just like Hitler. She hates her parents. Hitler hated his parents from what I remember right. She’s a bitch.”
“George Bush is another Adolf Hitler. George Bush is a fascist that wants to take complete control over the country. They both did cocaine, I seen it.”
“My friend Bill is like Hitler. Bill hates dogs, and I think Hitler hates dogs too. I’m not sure, but I’m way too ignorant to go out and find a credible source to support my claim.”
“My mom stubbed her toe once. Adolf Hitler stubbed his toe once. Coincidence, I think not!”
“I know this guy and his last name is Hitler! He's really nice.”
By the year 2015, the word ‘hitler’ will completely replace the word ‘it.’ Bad news for most, good news for the Knights who say Ni. Hitler planned this, I seen it.
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