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It was early on saturday morning. Real early. Like, one in the afternoon early. I decided to drag myself out of bed, and fix my rumbly tummy some breakfast. As I prepared my raw bacon-and-egg shake, I contemplated the origin of the word "breakfast." It literally meant "to break your fast." It had originated in the dark ages, when people whould eat breakfast as their large meal of the day, as opposed to dinner.
I spent so much time thinking about breakfast, I hardly noticed that I had thrown my shake into the oven and burnt it. I cussed for the better part of an hour. When I was done cursing, I kicked the stove. When I was done bandaging my broken toe, I took the bakened shake out of the oven. It actually resembled scrambled eggs with bacon in them, so I ate it with a fork.
It was delicious.
I hobbled out the door of my apartment building, being greeted by the warm sunshine outside. A bird shit on my shoulder, much to my dismay. I immolated the rogue bird with my heat vision, much to the dismay of the bird.
I began my walk towards the coffee shop down the street. I was meeting my then-girlfriend Kathrine for a cup of liquid rock and roll. For those that don't know, that's black coffee with two shots of Night Train. I recalled fondly the times my mom would fix me a cup when I was five. I also recalled the time I called her a whore, fell off my high chair, and broke my nose. Only with less fondness.
As I approched the coffee shop, I saw Kath sitting outside, her olive skin aglow in the bright light. She waved to me from across the street. I waved back, waiting for the little "walk" sign on the streetlight. I was no jaywalker. But it turns out the guy in front of me was. He must have been in a real hurry. Which is unfortunate, because he got blindsided by a bus.
I heard a woman scream, but didn't look to see if it had been Kathrine. I had never actually heard her scream in terror before. I should have on that night she got kidnapped by those spider-people from the center of the earth, but I was camping with the guys that weekend. She never lets me forget it.
I ran out into the street towards bus-in-the-face guy. He was lying face-up in the street, his suit dirty and scuffed from the abrasion of the road. He looked up and saw me kneeling over him, looking at his pupils.
"What happened?" he asked. As if he didn't know.
"You got hit by a bus when you were jaywalking," I replied coldly. "Now don't move, you might have spinal injuries."
"Are you a doctor?" He asked. I could only laugh.
"Are you?" he asked again.
"Nope," I answered. "I just know what to do when someone gets hit by a bus. Tell them not to move. Oh, and call an ambulance, but I assume someone else has already done that. Well it doesn't look like you suffered any serious mental damage, so I'm allowed to make fun of you now. Are you stuid part-time, or is it a full-time gig?"
"No, I just..."
"Don't bother. Here comes the ambulance."
The wail of the sirens announced the arrival of the EMTs, and I sauntered off the find Kath. I was sure that she had to be in the crowd of onlookers, I just hoped that she wasn't when I made the "full-time stupid" comment. It really turns her off when I berate people like that.
I found her on the outer rim of the crowd. She started to ask me what happened, but I cut her short.
"It's just better if we don't talk about it. I'm sure the guy is going to be fine."
"Are you sure?" she probed. "You didn't just use your heat vision on him, did you?"
"I'm not promising anything."
Within the hour, she had convinced me to take her to the park. I had never actually liked the park, but all the places I went seemed that much more colourful when she was there too. The grass in the park was greener, the monkeys in the zoo were monkeyer, and the strippers at the Boiling Loin seemed to wear less clothing. Too bad she doesn't let me take her back there. I mean, if I boycotted a strip club every time I got a weird rash, I would have run out of strip clubs by now. Women, gawd.
We settled into a nice little park bench, and watched some kids play frisbee with their dog. Man I wanted to heat vision that frisbee. I mean totally melt that shit right before a kid caught it, so he would get boiling plastic all over his hands. But Kathrine saw the look in my eye and slapped me in the back of the head. She was just lucky I had a "no heat-visioning other people" rule.
"...but rules were made to be broken," I said out loud.
"What was that?" she asked.
"Nothing," I said, and went back to thinking about melting that frisbee. Melting it good...
Kathrine decided it would be a good idea if we left the park.
I walked her back to her place. We talked about little things, but wound up having silly little arguments about stupid things most of the way. You know, she wants a puppy, but I want one of those giant squids in a tank that can lift up a whole person and dangle them dramatically in the air for a few seconds before dragging them to the bottom of their dark, murky water. She managed to talk me down, and settle for a butler with a set of metal teeth that he could use to bite through gondola cables. I convinced her not to get a puppy.
Me: 1
Her: zip
When we got back to her front step, she looked worried.
"What's up? You look bummed," I asked.
"It's nothing really...but could I ask you something?"
"Sure, what?"
"Well, and this is totally hypothetical, but if you were going out with someone with heat vision and you really, really didn't want it to get used on you, how would you break up with them?"
I pondered the question. "Well, hypothetically, I would tell them that it was over, and then quicky jab out both their eyes with a fork. Or you could fork them, and then tell them it's over. I guess it's just a matter of preferance. Why?"
She kissed me on the cheek. "Oh, no reason. I'll call you tomorrow."
As she bounced up the stairs into her house, I turned away to start my walk home.
She is SO getting heat visioned.
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Just didn't do it for me
Posted Jun 21, 2008
Good couple of humorous points in there. That first sentence does grab you real quick. Some of the nonchalant conversations are the best parts in this story
The spelling and grammar errors did it in for me. I almost didn't make it past the first two paragraphs due to the repeated ... (
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