Heartbroken* (Part 1)

It was a good length, and it had a good amount of humor in it...
It was a reminder of the good old days in middle school...

The writing in this piece feels very immature, in language and style. That really detracts from a piece. This seems like it would be something you'd put on a myspace blog, or tell to a friend or something, but really not something that works well as a piece of literature.

This feels like it was written by an eighth grader, which can be a good and bad thing. Good, in the sense that it sort of captures the thirteen/fourteen year old spirit, but bad in the sense that it feels extremely immature, and as mentioned before, informal . It feels a little too distastefully vulgar.
It's good to write what you know, because that's what you'll write about in the most detail. But it's better to practice and hone your writing skills before writing about real events, so you can really make them something worth reading.
You're obviously a young writer, so it's good that you're getting started early. Don't let negative critiques get you down, because you're not going to be an expert writer at first. Keep writing, and try to find a niche in writing that will help you grow.
Best of luck in the future,
J. M. Kauftheil

Spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. all seem to have improved a lot, over your previous articles. Although there are some sentence structure errors, and a few other mistakes that you seem to have overlooked, it was not a persistent problem. It actually seemed like the second half of the story was much better. Maybe that's just because I was getting into it, by that point.

The story was good, too. First and foremost, it was believable, although I suppose that's not surprising, since it's true. Also, I think it's pretty clear that you put a good amount of work into writing this.

My only real problem with the story, I think, is with your writing style. There weren't a whole lot of technical errors, but the way you're writing seems very informal. Sometimes this is good, sometimes it's not. For example, you kept throwing in little afterthoughts in parentheses, in mid-sentence. This would work a lot better if you placed these thoughts more carefully. Using parentheses in mid-sentence is fine, but not if the stuff in the parentheses is a sentence of its own. Try not to interrupt the flow of a sentence, or the reader might lose track of what's happening.

Also, even though the story is fairly long as it is, you seem to have left some important details out, because some parts didn't make a lot of sense, to me... for example, the part where the principal is talking to the class. Just make sure that you're telling the reader everything he or she has to know.

Overall, I thought this was pretty good. Not fantastic, though. It could still benefit from being looked over once more, and you shouldn't always write the same way you talk. Still, as a whole, what I like outweighs what I dislike. Here's a thumbs up.

The story was interesting and realistic. It explained what was going on very well and kept a steady pace just at the right speed to keep my attention. Good spelling and grammar. Paragraphs were appropriately sized and spaced, that's a big plus in my book. I like the way you ended it, it was a great use of a cliffhanger to set up for the next one. I sincerely feel the need to read the next one to see what will happen.

What stuck out the most to me was your use of brackets. It looked to me like that you were using them to represent your character's inner thoughts, but they ended up just messing with the flow of the story and making certain sections confusing. There were times where you'd take the reader into one far off direction and then suddenly flip them back to what you were talking about before. It added to realism, but in a negative way. That, combined with run-on sentences, made this poorly arranged. I felt the story got dragged on a little too long, I think you could have shortened it up at parts. I didn't need to know about your time spent sitting on the can! I know all too well that the average reader is always scared away by an intimidatingly long article. Sad but true.

The story was solid, and it had a sense of realism that drew me into your character. So much so, that I'm wondering if this was an actual event in your life. Were you getting boners at dances ninja? Please don't answer that. This article was severely pulled away from it's full potential by bad organization. I strongly suggest dropping the whole 'brackets-to-represent-thought' idea, it just makes things confusing. Looking forward to Part 2!