Forever Yours

I really liked it. it was just beautiful. A good poem puts a picture in your head. that is what yours did. :) good job :)

The aspects of the article you disliked and/or could have used improvement.

Thoughts that you have about the article and some additional advice to the author.

it was rhyming and flowing the way that it should.
the last stanza was like a stab in the heart which is good.
i didn't see that coming, not when it was so sweet at the start.

the first two stanzas were cliche and expected.

i love it. it was an ordinary poem at the beginning but the lines at the end of each stanza kept me going. it was a story in itself told in few words.

This is a really good piece. I sincerly hope you didn't have to go through the last stanza in reality. Romantic poetry has, to be frank, been doen to death btu here you put just enough of a new spin on it for it to carry. I especially like the way you portrayed different stages of a couples life together and mirrored certain aspects each time. Ending each line with I am forever yours showed how love stays strong even after the romance of engagement is over which, even if your cynical, is a nice message well said.

I wouldn't presume to tell you definitively but it seems to me that what is missing is refinement.Your one of those poets who has good ideas, not just about thier subject matter but also about how to structure thier writing and what devices to use, but struggles to carry them out. I wonder, for example, how many times this has been edited as many lines seem to be a little angular and lack the legance that should apply to your theme.

The best thing to do is be harsh on your own poems. Other people will tell you how good they are honestly, thats what critics are here for. If you are brutal with your poem after its first draft you can be sure no small mistakes will get through. Rhymes and rhythms will come eventually if you keep your subject matter at the front of your mind and don't be afraid to chop the piece apart and put it back together in a different order if something doesn't quite fit. I hope that's of some help.

I liked the overall pace and 'structure' of the poem. It was gentle and let me get a feel for the emotions, both positive and negative. The poem engaged me in its simplicity and yet was very emotive.

I particulalry likes the emotive use of 'I am forever yours'. I also like the happiness and sadness contained in such a succinct way - very powerful.

I felt that this lacked perhaps one verse. It seemed to jump from a 'beginning' to an 'end' without any 'middle'. It was just a little too abrubt for me and perhaps could do with an extra verse explaining how happy you were between the start and the end. I also have the following comments:



two words and I am gone.

[Perhaps I'm stupid, but I didn't understand this.....for me 'three words and I am gone' would fit better...then I could think 'I love you'....I'm not sure what two words you meant!]


I stand in the mirror in a long white gown. [Seems out of 'phase' with the rest of the poem, maybe rework somehow? ]

I liked the simplicity of this - the poem's subject essentially is the metaphor I am looking for. It is happy and sad, and can be related to many other things aside from the subject matter. I felt there were a couple of lines that didn't quite fit, and I would personally have liked an 'in between' verse to explain the life between the happiness and sadness...

I love the connection between the beginning and middle stanzas, with an open whisper used and then brackets for it at the end. Really helped. I also like how you portrayed tears of grief and joy. It snuck up on me so easily, but was excellent foreshadowing the way you used the line.

In the second stanza you use smile twice, and it doesn’t work for me. The first line in that stanza could be tweaked a bit too to make it seam better with the poem. Perhaps something like..
“A long lasting smile as I
Stand in the mirror in a long white gown.”
Just a little connector to help it flow, you should play with it a bit obviously.
I have the feeling it’s a very personal piece to you, so this comment may not be usable, but I feel the third stanza happens too quick. Proposal, wedding, death. It’s too quick a progression, being that the first two stanzas are happy and the last one is so much different so fast. I think you should add a stanza in between showing them enjoying their time together. I dunno, it’s up to you.

A very strong and emotive piece. There’s wonderful use of repetition, and a very heart-wrenching story. There’s no technical problems that I saw, and that really helped the flow of the piece.
I just think the ending sneaks up too quickly on the reader with not enough warning. It would be nice to savor the characters a little bit more before one dies. Seeing how this is such a personal poem though, it’s really up to you. If this was a real experience and you were trying to convey that quickness, there needs to be a little something more to explain that message. Perhaps just a brief hint of what happened and when in relation to the wedding and how long the two were together. I think that would make the poem a lot stronger.

I liked the pattern you developed, it adds a nice effect and rhythm to the piece.

Very delicate touch at the ending...
It was unexpected,
I felt something churn inside me when I read it,
well executed...
Very delicate touch.

It feels a bit too chronological. Not to say mix up the events, but
It's kind of
Stanza 1: Event 1, Event 2, Event 3, Event 4
Stanza 2: Event 1, Event 2, Event 3, Event 4...

You get the idea, I hope. It needs more insight, more texture.

The ending was really a surprise. I felt bored with it at first, expecting a "sweet' romance piece, but...
I won't call it a slap to the face, because it wasn't abrupt in the least. More so a dying hand's touch to the face.

I really like how this poem played out.

I like the repetition of "A question is asked, My answer is "yes." Tears being to fall, I am forever yours." It really kept the poem together and illustrated the different levels of love and how although things change, our feelings are always constant.

I felt like it was a little cliche. I mean, the idea of talking about love and marriage in a poem is really hard to do, and is a worthy goal for a poem, but there are just some images that are cliche. Him getting on his knee (even if that is what happened, you can spice it up a little).

Also, some tropes would be nice, a simile or a metaphor here or there would make this a lot better

Overall, the poem strikes a chord with me because I am married too, so I can relate to these feelings. I think that if you just edit it a little bit, make it a little more universal, this could be a great poem.

Just keep on writing!