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Jerry wrinkled his nose at the foul smell of urine (and an occasional reemergence of semen) as he stepped into the restroom. Spotting a pair of feet in the third stall, the farthest toilet from the door, he approached cautiously by shouting
“Timmy, that better not be you jacking off in there.”
“Hey, how’d you know it was me?”
“Your shoes. Who else has crappy old New Balance shoes?”
Jerry noticed a tinge of despair hanging on that ‘me’.
“What’s wrong, dude?”
“Nothing, go away.”
Of course, saying ‘go away’ completely defeats the purpose of hiding in a bathroom stall.
“C’mon, something must be up.”
“No, nothing’s wrong, now go away.”
Jerry kicked in the beige paint of the poorly secured door and nearly caused Timmy to scream. He then pulled Timmy out by the legs into the center of the room.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Nothing. It’s just….”
“What? Just what?”
Silence, then Timmy started crying again.
“Jesus, Timmy, what the fuck is wrong?”
Suddenly, two people ran in and slammed against the wall opposite Jerry and Timmy. Students, although warned profusely about the dangers of being in contact with the other gender, seemed inclined to make out with each other in the school restrooms. On one hand, it is pretty sexy. When you’re alone with a girl and close to a wall, your breath faltering, waiting for the big moment, it can really make you feel that way. On the other hand, if you just run in and get busy, it’s over too fast and you have a higher rate of getting your ass caught by a passing teacher. And anybody in their presence, too, would most likely be sent to the office. Jerry concurred.
“Let’s get outta here.”
They quickly escaped and Jerry returned to questioning Timmy.
“Alright, calm down. What happened?”
Timmy reduced his crying to sniffles, and replied
“You know how I was submitting some of my stories to the New Yorker?”
“Yeah, you told me about it many times.”
”Well…”
Timmy broke down once again.
“They sent it back, and told me to write a real story.”
“No they didn’t!”
Jerry was surprised, since Timmy had more literary talent than he.
“Which one did you send?”
“Just a Puddle. I thought they would at least put it on a short list or something.”
Jerry became even more surprised. “Just a Puddle” was one of the most beastly stories he’d ever read. Jerry didn’t even know what the hell what the point of the story was and still he loved it. He consoled Timmy.
“Dude, fuck the New Yorker.”
“But….”
“If you want some butts, dude, you can go to the popular girls’ table. Now, you can’t miss lunch because some stupid magazine denied your awesome story. So relax, alright?”
Timmy wiped his face, the sniffles fading to black.
“Okay.”
“Alrighty, let’s go, before we’re arrested for loitering.”
The two arrived back to the table. There was a reasonable amount of time before the bell would ring and students would drag themselves back to class.
“I wonder why you guys are so late back to lunch. Hmm, ponder, ponder.”
Sebastian still attempted getting back at Jerry for his ‘get a room’ crack, to the chagrin of Brian and Dan.
“Well, I did see a copy of “Fantasia” covered in cum. Who could’ve done that, ponder ponder.”
The table erupted with howls of laughter;
“Holy, haha, holy shit, you just got burned, Sebastian. Hahaha!”
“Oh my god, that was funny as hell!”
“Copy of ‘Fantasia covered in… Jesus, you’re gonna be scarred for life with that one, Sebastian!”
“Owned!”
“Pwnage, that was beast, Jerry!”
The joke would haunt Sebastian for the rest of his days. Well, at least until college.
“You alright now, Timmy?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
Jerry looked over to the ‘popular’ girls’ table, nearly three tables left of the group’s habitat. Since Timmy seemed really bummed about his story, Jerry got an idea.
“Timmy, you’re single, right?”
“Yeah. What do you care?”
“Just a sec.”
He leaned over to Brian and proposed his idea.
“We should get Timmy hooked up.”
“With what, cocaine? He isn’t hot enough, believe me, I know.”
“C’mon, we can get someone to like him. How about…”
“I’m already working on Ashley for you; how am I supposed to do two people at the same time?”
Brian increased the volume at that moment and giggles fluttered around.
“Hey, just get me her number and I can handle it.”
“You sure you can handle her? I’m fending off guys to get you an opening.”
“Don’t even worry about it.”
“Alright. You better not screw it up.”
Sebastian was in a daze from Jerry’s joke. Harry, Dan and Raymond were now conversing about good Youtube videos.
“Muffins is fucking hilarious.”
“Potter Puppet Pals destroys any other video on the site.”
“That’s because their all a bunch of talking puppets. Anything would amuse you, Harry.”
Brian returned to the matter;
“Who would buy into him, I mean, someone Timmy would really like?”
“I don’t know. Try getting the top of the food chain first; Gina buys into his stories.”
“Gina? No fucking way would she go out with him. Besides, I’m going after Gina and I’ve got a better chance right now than he does.” (They were whispering the whole time, by the way. Nobody paid attention to their conversation.)
“She would go out with him. I see her flirting with him all the time in Social Studies. But you shouldn’t worry; Gina would break up with him a few days later if he’s successful. If we’re successful, that is.”
“No. It can’t be Gina. I’m not going to get Gina together with Mr. Pulitzer Prize.”
“Hey, don’t make fun of him. He could kick your ass if he put his mind to it.”
“Yeah, right.”
“He could.”
“Whatever. Anyway, how about Kelly? Timmy says he likes her ass.”
“Maybe. But I don’t think that would work out well.”
“Why not?”
“In the bathroom just a minute ago, I saw her making out with one of the cocks.”
(Jerry and Brian called every flirtatious athlete a ‘cock’ instead of a jock. For many reasons.)
“Which one?”
“I didn’t catch his face. Dude, they had so much action going on that Bruce Willis would be in the film adaptation. Timmy thinks that she’s a tramp and certainly isn’t going to change his mind anytime soon.”
“Yeah. But who else?”
“I don’t know. We don’t have enough hot girls here.”
“That’s for sure.”
Bored with the progress of their mission, Jerry pulled out his poem. He read it aloud, impressing most of the group.
“Pretty good.”
“Fine.”
“Psssh, you call that a poem?”
“Shut up, Dan.”
“Good.”
Sebastian declined to comment.
“Good.”
Everyone then turned to Timmy. Timmy was the big Literature guy of the group; he knew every element of short stories and poems, and so he gave the best reviews of anything brought to the table. He began;
“Jerry, you know I have a deep respect for all of your work, and I sometimes wish I could imitate your style of humor that accompanies them. You had a good effort this time, but I thought it lacked a bit in that style. It was too short, for one thing. You didn’t have enough kick to it, and the length didn’t help. But I’ve seen worse poems, believe me. You should try to expand it and add more emphasis to the ‘miserable Monday’ part of the poem.”
The group collectively nodded their heads in agreement.
“I brought one of my poems today.”
Timmy revealed a carefully folded piece of paper from his pocket, grinning ear to ear with his blue and orange braces.
“This has got to be the best poem I’ve written.”
Jerry thought that was something, since Timmy was an outstanding writer.
“Let’s hear it.”
Despite the darkness
You shine like a star
Despite the separation,
You connect with me
Despite the others,
You are patient
Despite the obstacles,
You avoid them
Despite the crowd,
You stand out
Despite my nervousness,
You relax me
Despite the gossip,
You know the real story
Despite my mistakes,
You stayed calm
Despite life,
You are the center
Of mine.
The group began to applaud; Timmy gave a small bow in his seat.
“That was the shit!”
“Ditto!”
“Hey, can I use that for my girlfriends?”
“Sweet poem, dude.”
“Told you it was my best one.”
Then the Bomb.
“I’m gonna give it to Gina.”
A line of jaws dropped. Flies gathered inside the open mouths. A bird made a nest in Brian’s.
“What?”
The idea of anyone trying to get one of the hottest girls in school seemed preposterous to almost of the group, let alone Timmy. They all had their secret agendas, their own specialties that made them unique and cute in the eyes of girls. But openly planning to get to First Base? It was unheard of at Sandburg Public.
“Dude, what the hell are you talking about?”
Timmy was not ugly. He could handle girls with his knack for words. However, there was a very low probability of him getting Gina, or so the group thought. Besides, she would most likely go out once with him and become an actress with whatever evidence she could throw at him. Timmy didn’t have a lot of evidence, as evidenced by the lack of evidence he let people get. But Gina was GINA. Big titted Gina. Va-Gina. She was as subversive to guys as Keith Olbermann is to the U.S. government.
“Whoa, slow down there, Speed Raper.”
Jerry found no mirth in the eyes of his friends, but continued.
“Do you think Gina will really go for a poet? I mean, just look at her track record; football players, a druggie, four total dickweeds…”
Timmy shook his head.
“No, guys, it’s not like I care if she goes out with me; I just want her to like the poem. After all, it’s dedicated to her.”
“Oh, Jesus.”
“Pray for us.”
“Thank you. C’mon, Timmy, we know what you’re really doing.”
“What do you mean?”
The lunch bell painfully sounded out, groaning children rose to their feet tiredly. Jerry leaned over to Timmy and whispered
“So you’re giving it to her in Social Studies?”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, will talk about it then, alright?”
“O.k.”
The group rose in fragmented unison and shimmied back to their respective homerooms, shocked by Timmy’s revelation. Brian didn’t even get up till the cook yawped at him from across the kitchen. The cafeteria became empty in a matter of two minutes.
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i only read this part
Posted Feb 24, 2009
as mentioned in the title (had to fill that damn space) i havent read the other parts. and personally, I think this stands alone quite well! what really kept my attention was the numerous witty quips and sarcastic banter. The same sort of thing happens at my table. You made excellent use of perv... (
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