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Arboreal life

Arboreal life

My latest attempt at poetry.

 
 
  • you gave the trees a voice :-]
    Posted Nov 4, 2008
    +4
    The Pros
    you see the soul of nature, you conveyed how the trees might feel so well that i almost want to go out and talk to one after reading this. It is an interesting piece, shows perspective most may not even consider, which makes it even stronger as a poem.
    the language is very beautiful as well.
    The Cons
    hmmm, some weird word usage and some small punctuation stuffs, but nothing too big...
    Final Thoughts
    great concept, lovely words, dynamic flow, ultimately, very thought provoking and moving.

    i really want to hug a tree now, jump in some leaves, climb some branches...
    This review has not been rated.
  • You know how it goes.
    Posted Oct 10, 2008
    +12
    The Pros
    Good flow and feel to the piece, and some fancy footwork with the wording. Also, a lot of great metaphor.
    "your limbs like vines, "
    I like the vision portrayed by this line. It conjures thoughts of slow growing vineyards.
    "their troubles merely a splash in the ocean,
    with ripples you do not see."
    Again, good metaphor, good visual. A lot is implied here, and it's a very suiting visual. There's a lot of meaning in the splash, the ocean, and the ripples.
    The Cons
    You use a lot of strong wording, and while that adds to the piece, it also makes the parts with plainer wording stick out.
    "feeling the emotions on the wind;"
    I think "wind" could be replaced with a much stronger metaphor; maybe one relating to the sky you just mentioned.
    "yet keeping a profound silence, "
    I don't think "profound" was quite the word you were looking for here. Profound implies something very inisightful, while I feel the silence you describe here is just... a silence, not necessarily with deep thought. Tweak the word, or the area around it, I'd suggest.

    The second to last paragraph just.... didn't catch me at all. I read through it, and realized that it passed right through me. It needs stronger language, more to catch the reader there.

    Also, in the second to last line, the word "doom" felt too vague. Especially because it's so close to the end, you need a stronger word there.
    Final Thoughts
    A strong piece in general, just small things that need work. Since this is an advanced piece, I am able to give it more in-depth critique, of course, so that's what's with all in the Cons section.
    Keep it up.
    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
  • Write a brief summary statement here.
    Posted Oct 7, 2008
    +8
    The Pros
    Great use of language here, the closing line is particularly effective. I get a real sense of nostalga and a sort of resigned and subtle anger that comes together to lend a real power to the words.
    The Cons
    Some small things, I felt that the question marks in
    'And I wonder if you feel anguish?
    or cry tears for the world? ' broke the pace a little, to me both of these aren't needed I'd let these lines run into each other and only keep the second question mark, (so it is all the one question)
    Also felt that in
    'and is as endless as time;
    forever, eternal.'
    the 'forever, eternal' is redundant as is already suggested by 'is as endless as time', it didn't detract from the overall effect to a great extent but seemed surplus to requirement, like hammering home a point to much.
    Finally in the line 'to this ‘so called’ progress,' I'd leave out the single quotation marks as they broke the flow for me.
    Final Thoughts
    I really liked this piece, it managed to capture a feeling with some great images to boot. The easy flow of words belied the intensity of the emotion (in a good way) and, with the exception of the minor stylistic points above (which are really a matter of taste) it was beautifully crafted.
    Author's Reply
    Thank you. I agree with your points. I had a hard time with the '?' - I changed it a dozen times - couldn't decide which was right! I also agree with the redundant words - they were included to ensure the lengths of the verses were the same - I could probably use some more effective words - perhaps to explain the underlying sadness more.... Thanks for the detailed review!
    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
 
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SimeyCook
 |  Website
  • Date Added
    • Oct 6, 2008 at 12:21 PM
  • Article Type
    • Literature
  • Genres
    • Poetry
  • Topics
    • People, Pain, Society, Miscellaneous
  • Overall Statistics
    • 115 Views
    • 3 Votes
  • Site Rankings
    • #56 for Score
    • #160 for Popularity
 
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